Feel New: Snk Jean x Reader Ch.4

Feel New Chapter Four: The Purple Plaid Blanket, The Silver Necklace, And The Tears That Followed

"Go…
Go, go
Go…
Go…!
Just go!”
-Chris Garneau “The Leaving Song”

There was a loud pawing at your bedroom door, the sound of nails digging into wood and scratching the rough surface filled your ears, overpowering the loud music that played from your ears. Plucking the earbuds out, you strode across the room and opened your door. Sawney stood there, one paw raised as if he were about to reach up and scratch the door again, or perhaps your leg. The ginger cat slipped inside your room without a sound, and you closed the door, watching the tom peer around your room, sniffing here and there.

You crouched down and rubbed between his ears, eliciting a deep purr from the cat. You straightened and returned to your bed, where the rest of what little homework you had to do was laying on.

School was going fine for you. You were also spending a lot more time with Jean. He still wasn’t talking to anyone but you. He never revealed anything about himself though. He mostly spoke of instructions or gave you reminders. Nothing else. You glanced up at your window, the dark blue light shining through the curtains. You glanced at your clock, grimacing at the time, 6:11. You would have to get ready for school soon.

You felt something warm curl up beside your bare feet and looked over your shoulder at Sawney, who purred loudly and gazed at you with his big green eyes. You reached over and scratched his head, making him purr louder. He suddenly took a hold on your hand with a his paws, claws raking across your skin. You whimpered and pulled your hand away, inspecting the red marks that were beginning to bleed. You glared at the cat but he gave you that innocent look. You rubbed his head before standing and began to dress.

Making your way downstairs, you walked into the kitchen, stepping over Bean’s sleeping form, and opened a cabinet. You looked through it until you found a box of bandages. You looked into it and found it empty. Huffing, you took the gauze bandages instead, wrapping the fabric around your battle scars. You glanced at the clock, seeing that it was already 6:36. Hanji should be getting for work soon.

Seeing that there was still sometime left, you went into the living room and sat down, reaching for the television remote.

Hanji was getting increasingly louder as the days dragged on. Not only her, but her music. You didn’t mind; some of the songs were pretty catchy. And sometimes, when you were just aimlessly walking around the house, Hanj would twirl into the room out of no where and took your hand and started dancing. At first you were a little embarrassed, but her wacky dance moves were making it easier to enjoy the little dance moments you had.

Yawning, you heard Hanji making her way down the stairs, her heavy footsteps signaling she wasn’t fully awake just yet. You watched her groggy form shuffled into the kitchen and reappear minutes later with a cup of coffee, her hair a tousled mess and her glasses smudged. She gave you a crooked grin. “I see you’re an early bird.”

"Was up doing homework."

"Now? Irresponsible teens."

"Yep."

She took a sip of her coffee, making a face and coughing. “Bitter,” she remarked. She glanced at the door and back to you. “Do you mind checking the mail?”

You stood and stretched and opened the door, the cold morning breeze nipping at your skin. You shivered and looked at the hanging mailbox beside the house’s window on the congested porch. You noticed the lid was opened a little, a white envelope sticking out. You stepped over to grab it but your foot stepped onto a box. You looked down, realizing it was a package.

For you.

You stared at your name on the sticker on the brown package and picked it up, taking the envelope with you. You closed the door behind you and strode into the kitchen, where you placed the box and the envelope on the dining table. Hanji, surprised at the package, walked over. “It’s for you?”

You nodded and gave her the envelope, eyes still on the box. The address from where it came from was from your house, where your father lived. Why would he send you a package? What was in it?

Hanji poked your arm and you turned to her. She held out a box cutter and you took it. Carefully, you cut through the duct tape that sealed the box. Opening up the flaps, you stared at what was inside, dumbfounded.

Inside was a plaid purple blanket, a silver necklace, and a note. You ignored the other items inside for a moment and took the note, reading your father’s messy handwriting.

Thought you might want this. You might need it more than I do, __.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you ripped the tiny note in half and let it fall to the floor. You picked up the necklace, inspecting its silver chain. The little figure of a paintbrush held on precariously to the jump ring. You tapped it and make a small jingling sound. You let it fall back into the box, memories of your mother wearing the necklace entering your mind. She was wearing this on the day of the accident…

You gazed at the plaid baby blanket as tears welled up in the corners of your eyes. The blanket belonged to your sister. And she was clutching it when she died, the fabric bunched up in her tiny hands. Letting out a shuddering breath, you averted Hanji’s penetrating gaze.

Why would your father send you this? Didn’t he know it would just make things worse? The pain?

Hanji laid a hand on your shoulder. “__, if you want, you could stay home today…”

You didn't answer, only brought the precious items to your face, inhaling the scent of detergent on the blanket. Hanji gave you a comforting smile as the tears fell from your eyes, splattering onto the brown cardboard box. It was too much. Too much…

Sniffing, you averted her gaze and turned away. “I-I really can stay home today?"

"Of course, sweetie," she answered, understanding in her eyes.

You returned to your room and sat at the edge of your bed, tears still spilling from your eyes. You held onto the blanket tightly as sobs racked your body. This was your sister’s favorite blanket. She would drag it everywhere with her. You remembered how she would always throw it at you, even though she was just a baby and could barely do so-and you would pretend to have a mini seizure just to hear her laugh. Your eyes turned to the necklace. Your mother always wore it and never took it off. Not once did you see her without it. The tinkling sound would be everywhere as the thing bounced off of your mother’s chest as she walked. She would always joke about how it made her seem like a reindeer.

Why did it hurt so much? After all of this time? Why were you crying? Someone should be telling you to shut up and stop crying and cook dinner already. But that never came because you were in Hanji’s home now. Not your old home.

You cried for what seemed like hours until your eyes were puffy and bloodshot and you could no longer produce anymore tears. Somehow, in the time spent crying, you laid down and fell asleep.

—

You woke up to quiet knock on your door. You pried you eyes open and lay there, listening to Hanji’s quiet voice as she spoke.

”__, I’m going to be at work today. I’m…sorry I can’t be here, but something really important happened.”

You didn’t answer as you heard her leave. Being ignored and put aside was your specialty. Obviously her work was more important that you.

What were you saying? Now you were just being selfish; Hanji was working for you to live here with her. You should at least be grateful. Shaking the thoughts away, you turned to look at your digital clock.

1:53.

Did you sleep for that long? Wow. You rubbed your eyes, still drowsy and not fully awake. Looking around the bed, your gaze landed on the blanket. You took it and held it tightly, feeling more tears at the corner of your eyes. You sniffed and wiped your nose with the back of your hand let go of the blanket, standing. You went down to the kitchen, hungry and still rubbing your eyes.

You searched for something to eat, but you couldn’t really cool, so you settled on some cereal, an acceptable meal in all times of the day. Sitting down at the table, you began to chew at your fruity pebbles.

The blanket and necklace were still upstairs. You felt like you didn’t want to see them ever again, but part o you wanted to keep them instead of just throwing them away. Your baby sister and mother returned to you mind, and you shut your eyes for a moment, trying to calm down.

There was so much pain. You could barely move your arm. Your mouth was dry. You felt yourself being lifted onto the stretcher, paramedics frantically shouting orders to each other. Sirens howled loudly, the sound of chatter and cars honking filling your mind. Opening your eyes, you used your strength to ask the paramedic beside you, “My sister…where’s my sister?”

She only looked at you and then looked away. “Keep your eyes open, honey. Everything will be alright.”

The truth sank in at her words. No, it wouldn’t be alright. Fear gripped at your heart as you repeated the question, louder and louder until you were screaming and they had to give you a shot for the shock.

You wept softly, dropping your spoon into the cereal bowl and clutching your head. You just wanted to see your little sister one more time…

You wanted to see your mother and baby sister, but now you never could. Ever.

After throwing away what was left of your cereal in the sink, you returned to your room and stared at the wall, your heavy loss becoming more grievous by the minute. You didn’t know how long you were up in your room. You almost fell asleep, but a knock on your door caused you to jolt upright.

”__,” a voice said quietly. It wasn’t Hanji’s.

You turned away from the door and sniffed, wiping at your eyes. You wanted to be alone.

"Go," you ordered loudly, voice hoarse from crying.

”__,” he pleaded. “Can I come in?”

"Go," you said again, louder. "Please…"

There was a pause behind the door. “__, just…let me help-“

"I said, go away, Jean!" you snapped, tears falling from your cheeks. "Just go!"

There was silence. The only sound that could be heard was you crying, trying to hold in the sobs. “W-what do you even know about me? You can’t help me…,” you said quietly, but you knew he could hear you. You immediately regretted the words as they left from your mouth.

There was a pause. “__, you don’t think I can help you? Believe me, I know how you feel.”

You wiped at your eyes. “Why are you even talking to me right now? You haven’t spoken to anyone in months.”

Another pause. “I…I don’t know. Maybe its because we both know how it feels. Because we can help each other.”

You sniffed again.

"And…because no one knows how it feels to loose someone…"

You sniffed, more tears falling from your eyes. Of course he knew how it felt.

”__… I found out about you the moment I came home, the day you just arrived in the neighborhood. My parents were talking about you. They said…”

"That my mom and sister died in a car accident?"

You could tell he nodded. “Yeah.”

You felt yourself calming down. Jean is such an honest bastard, you thought.

"Why are you even here?" you asked.

"You didn’t show up at school, so I thought something might’ve happened."

"How did you get in?"

"I know where Hanji keeps the spare key." You could hear him shift from foot to foot behind the door. "I…I’m coming in," he announced.

"Be my guest, WoodsMan," you mumbled as the door opened.

Jean strode in, concern openly showing on his face. He stared at you for a moment, your weary form sitting at the foot of your bed, clutching the blanket and necklace to your chest. He quietly sat down beside you. An awkward silence settled in as the two of you just sat there.

"Why are you even here?" you asked again, breaking the silence.

He turned to looked at, golden eyes taking in your puffy eyes and tired face. “You already asked me that.”

"No, I mean-why are you here? You barely know me, I barely know you, and its just…"

He was silent for a moment before furrowing his eyebrows. “Idiot. You don’t need to know someone to try and comfort them. Now will you just accept that I’m here?”

"Why did you even come? Do I matter that much to you? I’m a fucking stranger, Jean." You rubbed at your eye. Seriously, what was with this guy?

He rolled his eyes. “Jesus fucking Christ, __. I get that you’re a stranger. I get that I barely know you, or vice versa. But when I was going through what you are now, no one was fucking there for me. So…I guess I just want to be there for someone else…I don’t know! I’m just as confused as you!” He bit his lip, brows furrowed in thought. “Why did I come here?”

"That’s what I’m fucking saying, Jean." You rolled your eyes, annoyed. When had the conversation turned into something you could go along with just fine?

Jean turned to look at you. “So,” he said. “Enough with that. Care to tell me why you missed school?”

You glared at him for a moment before gesturing to the plaid blanket and necklace in your hands. “These fucking things…”

He raised an eyebrow.

You didn’t even know if you should tell him. Why should you? “Wait-why should I tell you, anyway?”

"God dammit, do you want to accept my comfort or not?"

"You’re weird, Jean."

"I know."

You snorted.

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose, growing impatient. Sighing, you spoke again. “You already know how my mom and little sister went. Well, these are just some things that belonged to them…”

He nodded, gesturing for you to go on.

"My dad sent them to me. Yeah, he's a, um, never mind." You looked at the blanket. "My little sister used to drag this with her everywhere. And my mom would get mad because she would have to constantly tell her to pick it up or else it’ll need to be cleaned every day." You smiled at the memory, tears blurring your vision. "My mom wore this necklace all the time-never took it off. Ever. It would make the most beautiful tinkling sound. It reminded me of Tinker Bell." You took the necklace and tapped the little paintbrush, making it tink.

Jean stared at you of a moment. He reluctantly wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. Would dying make things easier? Would it ease the pain? You had attempted to kill yourself before, but couldn’t bring yourself to lower the razor to your wrists. You just couldn’t…

Sighing, you let the tears spill again. “Jean, sometimes I wish I wouldn't be here. Sometimes I wish I was killed with my sister and mom. Sometimes…”

"Don’t say that," he said quietly. "Don’t ever say that, idiot."

You turned to look at him, cheeks glistening from your tears. His eyebrows were furrowed, and there was anger in her eyes. But there was also understanding, the kind that you could accept, the kind that you knew. Those eyes weren’t full of false pity like so many others. They were genuine, those golden orbs. You took a shuddering breath. “Jean, am I pathetic?”

"No."

"Then why can’t I kill myself?"

"That’s not pathetic. That’s strong. It means you really do want to stay in this world."

You turned away, finally letting the dam break. You sobbed, thinking why they had to leave you? Why did they leave you? Why? Why couldn’t they stay? You gripped Jean’s shirt as he held you closer as you sobbed into his shoulder, wetting his shirt with your tears. You felt his hand tangle itself in your hair, stroking it gently in an attempt to calm you down.

"Oh god, Jean, it hurts so much," you said in between sobs.

"I know it does. But you have be strong," he said, holding you tighter. What was this feeling? You were so…open with him. Why? You were never this open with anyone else.

It scared you.

You always blocked people away. You never let them in. Even with Hanji, you haven’t been like this with her. So why are you like this with Jean? Was it because of what he said, because you understood each other? What was this feeling, then?

Jean held you until your sobs dwindled to small hiccups, until your eyes were dry, and you could no longer cry. He held you, rocking softly back and forth. You gripped his shirt tightly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. Why were you blushing now? Was it this closeness? You barely knew the guy and he was hugging you.

"Jean, I’m thirsty."

He scoffed. “That’s what happens when you cry so much. I should know.”

You broke apart from his embrace and rubbed your swollen eyes, tired. Jean smiled at you warmly, reaching over to wipe your cheek. “Listen, __. We can help each other. We can mend. So when you need me, I’ll come, and when I need you, you better fucking come you lazy shit.”

You sniffed, smiling. “Gosh, Jean, you’re so fucking cheesy.”

"Shut up."

"But thanks anyway."

"Hah?"

"No one’s done that before. I feel a lot better. So thank you, Jean. Maybe we can mend each other." You held out your hand.

He stared at it for a second before glancing up at you, cheeks pink. “S-stupid. Don’t say such embarrassing things.” He took your hand and shook it, sealing the deal.

You laughed. “I’m not the one who said it first, you dork.”

"Oh, shut up."

"What, don’t like it when I say embarrassing things?"

"Uh, no, not real-"

You waggled your eyebrows and leaned against him. “Lets talk about adult things, Jean,” you said huskily.

He raised an eyebrow, blushing harder this time. He leaned closer to you and said playfully, “Oh really? How about…taxes?”

You gasped dramatically. “Jean!” You could barely hold in your laughter. “Don’t forget to turn off the lights; the bill came in up to $200 this week!”

He faked a moan, swooning and pressing a palm to his forehead. “__! Wash that mouth of yours. Don’t you forget that we have that meeting for a promotion!”

You swooned with him in unison, and the both of you moaned. Suddenly the door burst open and Hanji stood there, eyes wide and panicked, holding a wooden spoon, and the two of you sprang apart. You and Jean stared at her, confused. Hanj laid a hand to her heart. “Oh gosh, I thought..phew, never mind.”

You blushed, understanding. “Oh god, Hanji, we’re just playing.”

Jean snorted beside you, blushing just as furiously. He his his face in his palm, smirking a little.

"When did you get back?" you asked, still dazed.

Hanji glanced at Jean and answered without taking her eyes off of him, “I just came home now to check on you when…”

"Awkward," Jean muttered under his breath and you elbowed him. He grunted.

"Uh…" you didn’t really know what to say. "Jean came over to, er, comfort me. Uh, you know, because of the…package."

"Oh! O-of course. How are you, Jean?"

He deadpanned her. Then he did something you would never have expected him to do. “I’m doing fine, Ms. Zoe. Thank you; and how are you?”

You and Hanj stared at him in surprise. You gaped at him, speechless. Hanji’s eyes widened and she opened and closed her mouth, looking like a fish. Jean just stared at her, almost like he was daring her to say something.

"W-well, um, I’m fine. Thank you for asking. I…you…," Hanji closed her mouth, just as amazed as you. She glanced at you and back to Jean. "I…I’m just…going to leave this door open…I’ll…be downstairs if, um, you need me." Then she made a whole scene of leaving the door open, making the two teens inside the room blush even furiously, and then watched as the tall woman gave you two a crooked grin and scurry downstairs in excitement.

"I don’t want to ever be in that situation again…," Jean trailed off, turning around to look at you but was surprised to see you still gaping at him. "What?"

"What was that? You just spoke to Hanji!"

He shrugged. “Maybe Connie is right: I really am changing you!” you said.

He coughed a little, eyebrows furrowing. “Yeah, whatever, you dork.”

"Shuddup, I was the one who called you that first, dingus."

He rolled his eyes again and scowled. “Whatever.”

"Seriously, "whatever"?" you mimicked him, scowling and rolling your eyes.

"Whatever," he mimicked you mimicking him.

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"You can stop now," you chuckled.

"Whatever," he said huskily, flipping his head back, causing his hair to sweep across his eyes.

You laughed and noticed how his eyes flicked to yours, brightening up.

”__,” he said suddenly, a new emotion in his voice.

"What?" you asked, still giggling.

"Do that more."

"More of what?"

"Laughing. Laugh more. You look happier that way."

You blushed a little at his bluntness. “Ah, sure, whatever you say.”

"Whatever," he said with a knowing smirk.

"Don’t start again, idiot."

"Whatever."

"Oh my-seriously."

"Whatever." Hair flip.

"Wow, you’re a fucking dim-wit," you stated.

"Whatever." Another hair flip.

Punching him in the arm, you stood and laid the blanket back on the bed, folding it up neatly. Jean stood and sat at the edge of your bed, watching as you carefully placed the blanket on your pillow. Taking the necklace, you gripped it tightly before taking both ends of it and unclipping it. He watched as your wrapped it around your neck and clipped it, letting the necklace fall onto your chest.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

You nodded, sniffing loudly again. “It’s almost like they’re here…”

"They would have wanted you to move on," he blurted.

You stared at him for a moment. Move on… What did that mean to you? Was it just…forgetting about it? Was it to put it in the vault of your mind? To keep going and just forget about it? You couldn’t forget about them. Or could you?

You shook the thoughts away and sighed. “I’m still pretty thirsty.”

Jean chuckled. “Stupid. Lets get you something to drink.”

You followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Hanji was making dinner. “Oh! Hey, guys,” she grinned at you two and waggled her eyebrows. You rolled your eyes and sat at the table while Jean searched the fridge.

”__, are you feeling any better? I’m sorry I couldn’t stay; I came back early because I felt back I had to leave. You must’ve thought I valued my work over you…,” Hanji trailed off, worry mixed in her features.

"Hanji, its okay…you need to work, so," you answered to her as Jean placed a cup in front of you.

"No, it’s not okay! I’ll never do that again. From now on, I’ll be there for you."

You blinked, but then smiled. “Thanks, Hanji.” You glanced at Jean, who sat across from you. He looked down at the cup in front of you. You picked it up and took a sip…and immediately spit it out.

Orange juice.

Jean raised an eyebrow, surprised by your sudden spit take.

Hanji turned around, annoyance in her eyes. “Ah, come on, __. I know you hate orange juice but couldn’t you just spit it in the cup?”

"Sorry," you grumbled, a little harshly, wiping your mouth. Jean watched you curiously as you cleaned the mess, eyebrows furrowing. God, you hated oranges.

"What’s with hate towards the citrus fruit?" Jean asked quietly.

"Nothing…I just hate the taste," you lied. He raised and eyebrow and sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Fine, don’t tell me then."

"Ah, Jean, would you like to stay for dinner?" Hanji asked.

"Can’t. Homework," he said quietly, standing. "Gotta go. Bye." You and Hanji watched him leave rather abruptly.

There was silence after you heard the door close softly. Then:

"Think he was constipated?" Hanji asked.

"Wha-" was all you could manage before erupting into laughter, Hanji joining in. You laughed and laughed and clutched at your stomach, tears at the corners of your eyes.

The good kind.